Thursday, December 14, 2006

Coming Back?

Nobody knows of this little abode but Ryan and my former girl with the brown hair curls but neither of them probably check this place out anymore. Myspace is where my friends are at. I should start writing again. I can't believe it's been years. So many things have happened. The passage of time is a bitch but for it I have grown up considerably. I regret so many things but I'm in a good place.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Happy birthday

Happy Birthday to a little bird. 6 years ago today I remember well.

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Not the Christmas I imagined

This time of year is always rife with the absurd. I got a call that a fat drunk guy was waving a gun at people up and down a major thoroughfare. Long story short, I ended up tackling the guy and I’m smiling having a good time on top of him (I hope someone videotaped it) while another officer is attempting to talk to this deranged lunatic. The guy spits at the other officer. Right there our paperwork doubles. One minute of action equals two hours of paperwork.

At the jail when the guards are taking the prisoner away, he turns around and hocks up a loogey and spits it clear across the room and it lands on the toe of my boot. Should have kept the spit-sock on. I toss my hands up in the air and exclaim, “oh man! You’re killing me … that’s more paperwork.” I think it aggravated the guy even more when he saw that I was having fun with it. I said fuck it, I don’t want to be a victim.

It turns out this guy was bad news. He had two outstanding warrants for his arrest. Looks like he’ll be in prison come next Christmas too. So while you all out there are snuggled all toasty warm in your homes with loved ones by your side and a belly full of Christmas fare, I’m hungry on the cold streets making sure you stay safe and getting spat on … you bastards.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Critic Appreciation

“Hot, stammering creative bliss … an uncertain but dazzling light onto the world … a monument to human intellect.”
-The New Yorker

“Stretches the game out … P.I.M.P. fo’ life”
-Vibe

“He scares me”
-Charles Manson

“Asshole”
-Most of my ex-girlfriends

Feel free to leave your appreciation as well ... I am sure you are astounded by the genius of me.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

State of affairs

The dancing girl left a voicemail telling me I’m an ass for not calling her and the girl with the brown hair curls has kept her word not to call.

One of my good friends just got accepted into the fire academy. He’s getting married to a very old ex-girlfriend of mine. I am excited for him but I pity him too. Police and Fire train at the same academy and those fire recruits are tortured beyond compare. I hope we eventually get to work together on calls.

I’ve been kicked out of the business college for not making progress in my course of study. I may be reinstated later down the line. I don’t fault my advisor who said that taking the semester off would be alright to pursue the police academy. It’s mostly my fault and I take responsibility. In the meantime I’m going to try and take some classes at the local community college.

Still looking to buy a house. It’s overwhelming; there are so many great houses to choose from. I don’t know how I will ever choose.

I was working out and heard the Pearl Jam song Black come over the radio. I tried calling the little yellow bird, my heart was racing, I couldn’t breathe, and all I got was the answering machine. I hung up and will try the next song. It’s fitting I got Black.

All the pictures have all been washed in black,
tattooed everything...
All the love gone bad turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see,
all that I am,
all I’ll ever be...

I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life,
I know you’ll be a star
In somebody else’s sky,
but why
Why,
why can’t it be,
why can’t it be mine?

Thursday, December 09, 2004

I need a hug

It seems I write here when I am not feeling the most chipper. This last year I was on hiatus from writing was the greatest year ever. Girls, great job, more friends than I knew what to do with, parties, clubs, trips, and the most dominating softball team ever assembled.

Now I feel pretty depressed about the current state of affairs. Great new job, however it’s pretty stressful right now as I learn the ropes of being a brand spanking new cop. I keep getting, “Aren’t you too young to be a cop?” I grew a mustache a la Super Troopers but I like myself clean shaven. If I had the choice I would grow my monster goatee. I look like such a badass with it.

What’s really got me down is I feel a brand new era has begun. I’m entering adulthood I guess. How long can I party with fresh faced college girls? Most of my friends have graduated and are moving out of town. I feel like I am being bogged down with this new job. I want to travel the world for a few years before settling down, every young person’s dream.

And further, things have not worked out with either the dancing girl or the girl with the brown hair curls and I have not heard a Pearl Jam song on the radio to cue me to call the little yellow bird for the first time in 5 years. I hear Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, and The Cure, but alas no Pearl Jam. Don't ask ...

To alleviate my tension I went out with some friends to our favorite watering holes. While walking to our cars an argument ensued between my buddies and a drunken frat boy. I laughed it off as the frat boy threatened us that there were 7 other friends in the car that had parked under a tree a 100 feet away. I thought he was bluffing but lo and behold 7 frat boys come pouring out to aid their drunken friend. 8 against the 5 of us. I liked the odds.

I was having too much fun watching the two sides clash. The other side took a look at me and knew that they probably needed a few more. My friends knew I could handle 5 of them while they took care of the rest. Then the girl who was taking us back to her friend’s house stepped in and brought order to the machismo and testosterone overload.

At the end of the night we were leaving the apartments and getting into my friend’s truck when a couple of girls waved and beckoned us to their car. A couple of my friends took off and stopped by the girl’s car before we approached. She told me that my friend had told her not to believe anything we said. I told her as I motioned, to include my fellow friends … “We all have small penises.”

“I never want to speak with you again”

Harsh … the words from the girl with the brown hair curls. But, but … but I didn’t promise. Why does she have to be so rigid? How many times does she insert that word into my mouth?

We’ve been trying to be good friends and allow the past to be the past. I wanted to drop by her class where she was making potato latkes for her kids. I told her I would try and make it. I elected to run a few errands … I’m trying to get things in order to buy my first house and I thought it would be better to get cleaned up a bit and get a haircut to pretty up for our movie that night. But in reality I needed an excuse not to go. I tried beforehand to tell her I was scared to go for reasons I won’t get into here. She never listens to me.

She says I am closed off; I am secretive, that I never tell her what I am feeling. Believe me pretty girl I have tried so often, so many times I have tried to pour my heart, but only to someone who would listen. Every time I opened my heart, my feelings, you would tell me I am being either stupid or silly for thinking such foolishness. But, please listen, please, why won’t you listen? This is how I feel! You are not allowed to judge. This is how I feel! How can I tell you how I feel when I know I will be tried and executed for opening my mouth?

That night we broke up I felt like you were trying to make an effort and I had you sit on my lap and I wanted to tell you but then I felt like I was being attacked again. “That it can’t be as bad as I say it is … that I am exaggerating.” That’s when I blew up. I’m thinking you tried to show me that you were there for me but in reality I felt you were not. Fear the man who never gets mad for when he blows up the rules of debate get thrown out the window. I did a foolish thing and told her to leave and that it was best not to see her for the rest of the month until I graduated from the police academy.

She was sapping every ounce of strength from me when she was supposed to be helping me regain it with her sweet kisses. I really tried to make her happy and she did not believe me. Wasn’t she the one who was supposed to be supporting me though my ordeal of trying to graduate the academy? Why do you get angry and pout at me when I really need to study, when I have a test, or just the basics of supporting me. I know it’s an ordeal for you too, I know you want to see me and I want to see you. How many sleepless nights did I endure during those 4 months as I attempted to appease you and keep up with my academic duties? It was an ongoing joke in the academy, bets made as to when I would fall asleep in class. She could not comprehend that she was killing me, that for the short duration of the academy I needed to be selfish for once in my life.

She chooses what she wants to hear. If I were to tell her I loved her she would tell me I didn’t, tell me the reasons why I didn’t, and get upset for me having the audacity to tell her I loved her and she would pout, and I did not know how to alleviate it, I was at a loss, how can me loving her make her angry? It troubled me. But I forgave her, I forgave her when she broke my heart so many times, I forgave her when she slept with other men, I forgave her and would take no notice for the things she would do and yet if I were to do them she would turn around with spite.

For example, if she were to change plans I am free spirited enough to roll with the tide, but if I were to change plans or plans did not go exactly to plan she would pout and pout and pout and blame and blame. Remember the Madera Canyon trip, a place I hold sacred and our names etched at the watering hole? Remember your birthday and having to wait for a table … my lord, drink the Sangria and chill baby. I’m sorry that I have no concept of a schedule. I am too free-spirited and like not to fret about minor inconveniences. Were you not happy in the end on both occasions? You cannot schedule happiness, I am learning that you have to open yourself to it and allow it to come naturally.

And she would pressure me pressure me pressure me to perform to some preconceived notion of how I am supposed to be. And I would not perform because I knew she would grade me … always grading, always judging. It got to a point where I just tried not to upset her as best as I can, trying to steer clear of the backlash that I knew would be coming no matter what I did.

She made me sad … I didn’t want to disappoint her, I wanted to make her happy, but inevitably we would disappoint each other in the end. And in the end my pretty girl with the brown hair curls never wants to speak with me again.

I need a hug.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

The next Pearl Jam song

For my peace of mind. To place my ghost at rest. I must find her. It’s been 5 years. I will call the next time I hear a Pearl Jam song come on the radio. She would understand.

In my attempt to vocalize my current mood:

Bridges do crumble
The water so cold
Bridges do humble
A traveling soul

How do I get home to the streets I knew?
How do I get home with bridges so few?

Bridges do crumble
My way is so lost
Bridges are problems
I keep wanting to cross

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

A wall fell on me

I got switched to the day shift. All rookies get switched around for the first 4 months to get exposure to the different shifts. It is so boring during the day. All the action occurs at night.

My average of arrests has come down from 2-3 at night to 1 during the day. It’s a pretty high average thus far. I guess it’s something to be proud of. I’m positive that I have the highest average between me and my fellow academy mates scattered throughout the city, but I do have the unfair advantage of being on the Southside of town.

I keep getting asked why; when I had the choice to choose which part of town I want to go to, why I would choose the Southside. I told the sergeant in charge of assignments to send me where I am needed the most and where I will learn the most.

It seems everyone I talk to has a warrant out for their arrest. It’s not like I’m looking to arrest the common guy walking down the street for jaywalking. I’ve been taking some really bad people off the street.

The only excitement thus far on the day shift was when there was a report of a burglary in progress. Two other officers and I go to the back alley to prevent escape. I was asked to go into the back yard. I attempt to jump the 8 foot concrete wall when it falls on me. Isn’t that some sort of punishment in other parts of the world? How many career choices can there be that have the inherent risk of being exposed to having a wall fall on them?

Sunday, November 28, 2004

the word of the day

For all you etymologists out there, the word of the day is ... abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz

It is the only common word in English to contain twenty-six different letters, all in alphabetical order.

Friday, November 26, 2004

countdown to the new year begins

Who is going to give me my New Year's kiss? I started the year dating four girls at once, then I got back with the girl with the brown hair curls, and next I hooked up with one of my best friend’s a couple times and chased after her to Chicago during the Halloween weekend. Now I’m back to square one.

My most recent female interest was peculiar. Her name was Sarah. Beaming blue eyes and the dimples to match. As hot as they come. The last time I talked with her was prior to the police academy. Nothing noteworthy. I knew she had a longstanding boyfriend.

After I graduated from the academy I saw her watching from the sidelines at one of my football games. I didn’t talk with her and after the game my friend Omar tells me that she came to watch me but was too shy to approach. He tells me that she broke up with her boyfriend and was asking about me. Not only that but he tells me that she has had a big crush on me.

Then the story is substantiated by two other friends who knew that she liked me … thanks you miserable wingmen, you’re supposed to tell me right away. That’s why a girl will tell the friends because she wants the boy to know. Didn’t they go to high school?

I’m like okay … great … if she’s too shy to talk to me I’ll talk to her. I phone her a couple of times and think we are hitting it off fabulously. I’m thinking I was very charming and witty. Then, I drunk dial her from Chicago (did she know why I was there) and stop hearing from her.

Damn … I need a girl if for only one purpose ... my New Year's Eve kiss. I’ve written about it before. I have the worst luck during this one day of the year. Of all the girlfriends I have had during this time I have never received a New Year’s kiss. Bad luck and circumstances have prevented me from getting mine. You may say what is the big deal, but I put a lot of stock in this kiss. Part of me believes there may be a reason. Maybe the girl I kiss on that fateful eve will be the one.

Past Reminiscing

Dreaming of a little yellow bird.

I miss her hugs.

A poisonous toad lives in my belly.

I water dead plants.

I love a girl with brown hair curls.

I want to be the source of all evil.

I want to be elected your god.

Dreamt I was a guardian angel.

I can read minds.

I had an unusual childhood friend.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

a productive night

It must be a record for a rookie. Made 5 separate arrests. Served 11 arrest warrants. Charges ranged from 11 misdemeanors to 10 felonies. 2 building searches. Searched in vain for a homicide suspect that was in the area. To apprehend that guy would have been the ultimate clincher. He purportedly gunned down a man and left his badly decomposing body for his 4 year old son to find.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

the remains of the play

We are fledgling children of passing latter days – actors of improvisation unable to cope with the realities of the play.

Suicide call last night. A high-school kid shot himself in the chest and phoned his recent ex-girlfriend to tell her that he was dying.

It was a nightmare. We arrived to absolute pandemonium. Family and friends were arriving to the scene in droves. Hysterically distraught would be an understatement. It almost came to blows with perceived gang-bangers as we were being blamed for not getting there in time.

The worst part was when the mother arrived. She asked us if her son was alright. We could not answer her and she saw it in our faces. Her poor boy was sitting in the unforgiving dirt yard with a bullet thru his torso and a small puppy dog licking his face as if to wipe him clean of his final thought. Tears were welling up in my eyes for her as she ran the gamut of emotions.

Take notice you would be self-assassins. Your pain is distributed a thousand-fold to your loved ones.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Cranberry Splash

Last night the girl with the brown hair curls joined me for coffee and a movie (The Incredibles). I told her that before I had picked her up I had had a cranberry splash from Eegee’s, a local phenomenon of frozen fruit slush’s. Every month they have a flavor of the month and every year for the past 7 years without fail I eagerly look forward to November’s for my favorite, Cranberry Splash.

It’s a tradition I started with an old girlfriend. I love traditions and this is one of my favorites. It brings back warm fuzzy memories.

Well, the girl with the brown hair curls remembered that this was my month and was eager to share an Eegee after the movie and thought it would be fun to spike it with Sangria. My eyes lit up when I heard that … without fail once we drink Sangria the carnal fun is sure to follow.

However, I should have stocked up prior to the movie because once we got out it dawned on me that the restaurant was closed and we were too tired to do anything but get a quick bite to eat.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Opinions

Opinions, everyone has one right?

I try hard to steer away from them. However, I do have some. It is hard to preclude them from forming. I believe cats are cute. I believe that babies have the potential to become well-adjusted adults. And if there is one strong opinion I do embrace it is the fact that I don't like vegetables. I like to keep it simple, opinions that others may agree or disagree upon easily. Dogs, pedophiles, and vegetarians may disagree and that’s fine … well … except for you fucking pedophiles.

I’ll play the devil’s advocate and do a good job of it, aggravating people to no end but in the end I really don’t care which seems to aggravate people more once they find out I didn’t care in the first place. I find it strange that people are so enthusiastic about needing an opinion for just about everything and trying to thrust them onto others. Is it really so worthwhile an endeavor to strain oneself over such mind numbing activities?

I could never become a politician, but I applaud those who care enough to fight the good fight in my stead of unassuming indifference. In the meantime I will be attempting to have fun while you ponder such difficulties of political thought.

I have no strong opinions other than I don't think people should hurt me, forgiveness and patience are virtues, and if I think you are hot then you should have sex with me.

Uh uh uh … don't try to get out of this one, it is my strong belief that you should let me ... Damm it! What must I do to change your mind?